What it Means to be Human
Sometimes I imagine my kids are tiny aliens. There. The cat’s out of the bag. If you’re wondering what parenting hack I have for you today, this is it. I feel like I might need to explain this one.
Long story short, my love for John Cusack movies began in the late ‘80’s. I’m old, et cetera. Say Anything, Gross Pointe Blank, High Fidelity. His characters were among my favorites for his quick witted and calm deliveries. He had all the chill. Just before we started having kids, Martian Child came out and for me, made a lasting impression.
Cusack’s character is a science fiction writer that has lost his wife. He’s considering adopting a six year old boy that believes he’s a martian. You spend the majority of the movie wondering where they’ll go with this as the relationship between the two develops. The question subtly shifts from whether or not this is true to what all children need to thrive in our world. Cusack’s character, David says,
“Sometimes we forget that children have just arrived on the earth. They are a little like aliens, coming into beings as bundles of energy and pure potential, here on some exploratory mission and they are just trying to learn what it means to be human.”
Be still my heart. These words have resonated in my own parenting journey a thousand times. It’s easy to get caught up in narrow descriptions of children that eliminate their unique design and character. We begin to relate to them based on the stereotypes we’ve boxed them in. We essentially create limitations while at the same time feeling frustrated when they do not reach our expectations.
Do you remember how lonely it felt at times to be a kid? To feel misunderstood or unknown? I can recall the intensity of this feeling heightening when my parents didn’t get me. I didn't always feel as though I had a voice or one that was being heard. This quote struck me so deeply because I could relate to being the kid that feels that way.
One realization I’ve had as a parent is that I expect more of my kiddos than they are developmentally prepared to achieve. What’s worse? I’m not always modeling the skills I desire to see in them. Ouch. I often assume my kids understand 1. what I want from them and 2. how to make it happen. And we all know what happens when we assume.
What’s next?
I want you to imagine being the parent of this martian child. You have no way of knowing which planet he came from. That is, if you believe he truly is an alien. One by one, you are going to find ways to teach him what it means to be human. Our experiences from childhood shape the ways in which we present information. We each develop basic skills, some of which are strengths and some that require extra effort. These skills demand improvement well into adulthood! I’m describing executive functioning skills.
I attended a conference this week presented by one of the “Smart but Scattered” authors, Peg Dawson, EdD. I highly recommend this book to parents and educators. In my experience, it moved from the pressure to diagnoses, categorize, and simplify treatment for challenging kids to the specific skills needed to thrive. Period. For all humans, with all abilities.
While I know this is not new information, it is the perspective I need to move forward. I have a child with different needs and that requires a new approach. My heart has been weighed down by the idea that I don’t fully understand this kiddo or what s/he needs. I feel protective and am maintaining privacy because I know how hard it is to be different. My sweet little alien.
Executive Skills
Executive skills are described in varying lists, but for this purpose I will stick with “Smart but Scattered.” The following skills generally (but not always) develop in this order:
Response inhibition: think before you act
Working memory: retain information while completing other tasks
Emotional control: the ability to manage emotions to achieve goals/complete tasks
Flexibility: adaptability; revise plans (obstacles, setbacks, new information, mistakes)
Sustained attention: capable of maintaining attention, regardless of feeling tired/bored
Task initiation: begin projects in an efficient/timely fashion
These skills are foundational, meaning they are needed before advanced skills can be fully developed. As you read the above list, consider which skills are strengths for each of your children. Which of these skills require more attention? If we’re being honest, we not only see our children in those answers, but also our spouses and if we’re really honest, ourselves. We all struggle with some of these. Some of us struggle with all of these. This does not even include more advanced skills!
Advanced skills include the following:
Planning/prioritizing: the ability to create a plan to achieve goals
Organization: the ability to create and maintain systems to keep track of information/materials
Goal-directed persistence: the capacity to have a goal, follow it through to completion, and not be put off by competing interests.
Metacognition: the ability to take a step back and observe oneself in a situation; observe personal problem solving skills
Once again, most of us could list by name the family members that exhibit strength or require a little more effort. Our ability to recognize our own shortcomings is evidence of metacognition, which is advanced reasoning. There is room for growth and improvement at any age.
I felt overwhelmed
During the conference, I began to feel overwhelmed as I jotted down notes and found multiple needs before me…not just those of one child. I felt distracted for a moment when my phone dinged. The verse of the day popped up on my screen and read, “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things” from Colossians 3:2. I smiled and immediately thought of Psalm 139:14 where it says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” I am confident that each of us is designed to be unique. Some of the weirdest people I know are fascinating and talented. I can exhale with relief as I place my child back in the Father’s hands, fully confident that He will care for their specific needs.
For a moment, I was caught up in the day-to-day, how will we get through this sort of mindset. How refreshing to remember that while the little things are important, ultimately I want each person in my family to 1. personally know Jesus and 2. exhibit character that is the result of that relationship. I know not everyone believes that way. I can tell you that even if we differ on this value, we can agree on one thing. There is a bigger picture that we want to focus on. Who is my child as a whole person?
Start HERE
The beautiful thing about developing an understanding of executive skills is that everyone will benefit from it. You will become self-aware, consider your partner’s needs, recognize your children’s developing skills, and cultivate empathy for the world around you. In order to begin the process, I’ve included a very simple chart. You can use this to assess which family members exhibit strengths and areas of improvement while providing examples to support this belief. You can make multiple copies and complete one form for each person. I would not recommend including your spouse in this chart unless you discuss it ahead of time or are willing to go there. On that note, I did include a space in the chart to list who exhibits these skills well. Modeling is one of the most effective ways of teaching these skills, so it’s important to recognize people in our network that can be helpful!
The next optional step is to rate each skill. Consider the examples you've given and where you notice them the most (at home, school, in public and frequency, intensity, etc.). You can rate them on a scale of 1-5 (1 least concern to 5 most concern). Once you review your answers, hopefully you’ll have a clear picture of which skills require more attention. There are a number of posts (especially on Pinterest) to help you with specific skill development. Here are some resources to get you started. Click an image below to go directly to the site.
