The Empty Seat

Pack your bags, friends! The holidays are HERE. Not only are we widening our waistbands for that turkeytop (like a muffintop, but the direct result of eating Thanksgiving leftovers for 8 days straight), but we’re also making space for emotional baggage. Delightful, I know.

So here’s the deal. I’m trying to lighten it up. Can you see my defense mechanisms through this shirt? That’s embarrassing. I know how painful relationships can be. We have unreconciled relationships in our family that always seem to ache like an old injury this time of year. Buried hurt feelings wrapped up with poor communication and tied with a bow of words that can’t be taken back make for a gift none of us asked for. And yet, here we are. 

Every year around the holidays, I feel like I should reach out. It starts in the fall, when I’m feeling motivated, rejuvinated and so fresh and so clean, clean. I play it out in my mind. What I would say, what I need to do better, and how I hope they’ll respond. But every single time, I’m reminded of every single OTHER time. I’ve tried this before. It does not appear that the desire for reconciliation is mutual and I’m left feeling confused and rejected. Just in time for Thanksgiving.

I’m sure you can relate. The holidays cause us to load our luggage with relational fallout and memories of past disappointments. Most of our homes are not big enough for everyone to bring that many carryons, so it makes for a crowded get-together. 

Some of you have experienced the loss of a loved one, making any unfinished business a one-sided transaction. You’re grieving each time your eyes scan the room and land on the empty seat that has been reassigned to someone new. Or perhaps you’d like someone to get lost. You’re on the other side of a difficult person and you’d like to see them skip a holiday or two.

A normal response to the potential chaos is control. Have you gone out of your way to keep a difficult person comfortable? Do you ever feel like you need to jump ahead of a problem to limit negative responses from others? Do you apologize for what you think others might be upset about? Do you respond to others based on what you think they are feeling? Do you extend yourself beyond regular hospitality in a way that leaves you feeling depleted, resentful, or used? 

I call this emotional heavy lifting. The motives are often to eliminate discomfort, negativity, and potential conflict. Not problematic on their own, but they can develop a pattern. Proverbs 19:19 warns us against rescuing people from their problems because we will have to do it again. We can be helpful without solving problems for others, which gives them the opportunity to learn how to do it for themselves. 

I spent the first part of my life trying to remain one step ahead of conflict and negativity. I was a heavyweight champion when it came to trying to think of everything. People pleasing felt good because it was working. Fast forward to relationships compounded by complicated emotions and conflict even though I tried to be nice. Carrying the load for others was exhausting and the payoff was, well…wearing off. Now I still sense when there is tension, but I have removed “finding the source” from my job description. 

Imagine bench-pressing the emotional weight of conflict, challenges, and difficulties in your life. We do care for others by carrying the weight of their problems, so load up the bar. Just before lowering the weight for a single rep, Jesus offers to do it for you. Essentially He leans over the bar and says this is too heavy for you. Let me lift it. You will still gain strength but without the exertion. 

It may sound passive, but we can hand the burden over to him. We are called to be peacemakers (Matt. 5:9), so we can take our place at the table and actively pray for softened hearts and open doors. An open door is easy to detect, isn’t it? It means you aren’t slamming on the other side, waiting for someone to come out because you made a loud enough sound. Approaching a hard heart often adds stones to the pile, where a softened heart is fertile ground for new life. Only God knows the difference. By trusting Him, we experience relief from the pressure to remain one step ahead and we find rest in His guidance. 

In another post, we’ll explore what it looks like to handle conflict as it arises, but for right now, for this purpose…ask yourself what you need to let go of or step away from this holiday season. Take your focus away from the empty seat and the unreconciled issues at the table. Find gratitude in the places that are working, that are healthy, and the people that are showing up in your life. No may not be the final answer, but it’s okay to say not right now.