Do You Fight Fair?
We established in the last post that family is rolling into town and they’re bringing suitcases full of emotional baggage. So my advice to you? Allow others to carry the burden of expressing themselves in healthy ways. As my friend told me and I shared with you, rest on that. You do not have to solve the world’s problems today.
But. Butbutbut. You know when it’s time. You feel as though you’re going to EXPLODE if you don’t get to the bottom of this. Whatever is gong on appears to have taken a passive aggressive turn. Healthy expression is not happening here. Ignoring the problem is not your style. I see you. I’m right there with you. You want to see this problem resolved but it’s being branded as “drama” or an “attack.” You want to be honest but anything uncomfortable is swept quickly under the rug while everyone gets his alibi straight. “Well, I didn’t do anything.” “She shouldn’t be mad.” “It wasn’t my fault.” Sweep away. Unhealthy family traits do not go well on the mantle, so we brush them off and away.
The thing about that “rug” is that it’s LOADED with dirt. Our relationships are emotionally charged by our perceptions and experiences. Conflict is rarely ever the result of one dynamic. It’s usually a number of factors coming together and making a mess. Our perception is limited to the experiences we’ve witnessed or heard about, but rarely does anyone have the full picture or understanding of what is charging the issue.
So let’s have an honest conversation about confrontation. In my short time as a counselor, I learned things about people that I think might be helpful for you. I’ll go ahead and include the disclaimer here that I’m not an expert at keeping the peace, as I’m the reluctant member of more than one failing relationship. I’ve had some on site training in what not to do. For now, let’s take a look at what healthy confrontation involves.
Do You Fight Fair?
1. What’s in it for you? Consider your motives. How do you know it’s time to confront? What do you hope will change as a result of confronting the issue? Are you addressing a pattern of behavior or a character trait in another person? If it’s the latter, tread lightly. Seek wise counsel as to whether or not thi is something that 1. needs to be dealt with and 2. the most sensitive way to do so. Your approach will be influenced by what you perceive to be the root of the problem.
2. Timing is everything. When do you typically speak up: when you feel frustrated or when you are both calm? Do you take time to process what you’re experiencing or do you roll out, guns blazing? I’ve learned from experience that addressing an issue when you’re feeling frustrated is not typically beneficial or productive. It appears reactionary, rather than thought out. It’s important to find a time that works with each person involved so that no one feels bombarded or overwhelmed by heightened emotions. Anxiety about the confrontation can make the encounter just as unpleasant, but a pre-appointed time shows courtesy and a willingness to negotiate.
3. What’s your style? Do you know how you process information? Do you mull over thoughts and feelings internally, not entirely sure how to express them aloud? Or do you prefer to talk it out and vent to friends or family? If you’re an internal processor, give yourself time alone to dive into what you are experiencing. Other communication styles might interpret you as cold or indifferent, but it’s important that you are in tune with what you are feeling. If you’re an external processor, choose a mature friend as you seek wisdom. Venting is meant to process what is happening in this relationship, not rehearse what makes you right. Rehearsing heightens emotions while venting releases the pressure. I think wise counsel is important, so be sure to engage with a friend that won’t fuel your anger, build up a one-sided argument, or convince you that you are a victim (when you otherwise are not).
4. What has worked in the past? This is difficult, but put away the ledger. Think back to other times you have disagreed with this person. What has worked to resolve the issue(s)? What has been ineffective? Looking back is useful when we are aiming to repair our relationship, not replay our problems.
5. What’s your mantra? One of my number one recommendations is to develop a “mantra.” Especially in encounters that involve overpowering personalities or manipulative tactics. Break it down and consider this your title page. What does it all come down to? What is the one thing you most want to say? Narrowing down the issue gives it a name and allows it to take shape. This reduces the desire to present a list of offenses, which ultimately render us powerless and petty.
6. It’s go time. Address your thoughts and feelings without labeling the other person with names or traits. “ You are not building a case against the person, but resolving an issue with the behavior. Listen attentively and take turns. Acknowledge positive things and affirm that you want to repair the relationship. Own your part and ask for forgiveness. I recommend in person, if possible and on the phone as a last resort. Email and text are the places we hide behind when we don’t have the courage to say what we’re thinking and feeling. Without the presence of the person to ground us, we often will say everything we want to say, resulting in a one very large information dump.
7. What is one thing you’d like to see change moving forward? This is the question we ask. We’re building a bridge, not performing a magic trick. One change to promote growth, healing, and mutual respect in the relationship. No matter how small, our commitment to move towards one another will foster trust that change is possible.
8. Communication is down. Some relationships are not in a position to heal. They’re comatose. As a result of personal boundaries and issues, you may not have the opportunity to reconcile. I have struggled with this for years with my own estranged relationship. I spent far too long worrying that this relationship defined those with others and I felt doomed. It took a strengthened relationship in Christ and a focus on my faith to accept redemption, even in this broken place. I believe what Christ did on the cross can cover anything, including this. I also have to accept that we’re part of a fallen society, each person operating on their own values, beliefs, and experiences. Like so many of you, there is nothing I can say or do to influence the other person.
In this case, I recommend praying for wisdom, digging into Scripture for Truth, and repenting of the places you need to work on yourself. For example, in my broken relationship, the person told others that I didn’t care about my friends and I would eventually fail them all. Harsh. I hate to say it, but I took those words to heart and made it my goal to become a great friend. I still struggle in family relationships that are similar to that one, but I have so many amazing friends that I love dearly and want to care for well! The closer I grow to Christ, the more I grow individually and aim to love well. It also becomes clear that the difficult relationships in my life are hurting people that need grace. Sometimes this happens at a distance, but we focus on what we can control and let go of what we cannot.
I hope this is helpful. Time with family can be so sweet and it’s perfectly normal to be imperfect and weird. We are all still humans, going our own way and doing our own thing. The goal at this time of year is to make memories and celebrate what Jesus did for us to experience true forgiveness and healing.
