Divorcing Our Kids
As far as I’m concerned, there are two ways to learn new things. One is to enter the garden, grab the rake, and remove trash and debris until you get to the bottom of it. The other is to take a shortcut through the garden and step on the rake, smacking your entire face, and look around to figure out why you came this way in the first place.
I’ve taken a lot of rakes to the face. In studying creativity, the official terms for each would be deliberate and spontaneous. While those do have a ring to them, I think a rake to the face has a little more impact. Pun fully intended.
My recent rake to the face came while I was minding my own business, cutting veggies and listening to a book. I’m not sure what the author said or why it related, but I stopped the book and worked the thought out to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. Yup, it was still there. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up divorcing my own kids.
Put down the phone. You don’t need to call social services. My kids are fine. I mean, as much as expected. The thought caught me off guard. How awful. Also, how have I missed this? It was right in front of my face all along. In all my years of studying relationships, I had not pieced it together.
A great deal of my relational studies go back to John Gottman, a famous psychologist and researcher. He has an uncanny ability to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. He and his wife Julie provide a plethora of resources to equip others to become "experts" in their own relationships. I read their books in the early years of marriage, studied their work in grad school, and trained under them for my license. Not only do they provide exercises to improve positive relational skills, but they also warn against what they call the four horsemen.
The Four Horsemen. These communication styles are damaging to relationships. Specifically marriages. It was upon thinking about the four deadly sins, the four steps to death, the four signs of the apocalypse (I’m just being dramatic now)…that I realized something. They relate to my relationship with my children, as well. If the four horsemen are a threat to my marriage, why am I not guarding myself against them in my parenting?
Now maybe you all had this figured out. Sending a slow clap your way. Honestly, there should be a ribbon for this sort of thing. However, please show a little grace to the rest of us. We may be a little slow on the uptake, but we mean well.
The Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. The most damning of these is contempt. That’s when it occurred to me that I respond to disobedience, rude behavior, and general bleh from my kids with some of these. It’s my job to train them up, prepare them for the world, correct them, and discourage negative behavior. How awful to think I have allowed such damaging devices to take space in my parenting tool belt.
As long as I’m on the “parenting job,” I’m going to need that belt to be filled with the right tools. I can remove unhelpful habits, but I need to replace them…otherwise I’m showing up to the job empty-handed. I’d like to walk through the four horsemen and find some solutions that might be more helpful and provide the results we would like to see.
What Works:
*Replace criticism. It attacks character, diminishes a person’s worth, and does not address specific issues. Instead, allow concern to drive the conversation. You are thinking, feeling, or observing something questionable. Own it. What impact does this have on you? Share this by using “I feel’ statements and expressing a positive outcome you’d like to see. Criticism shuts it down, while concern keeps the door open. Model a range of emotions appropriately and address how certain behaviors might affect your child, the family, or others. I believe parents should share their feelings openly, while of course having boundaries in place. Our children learn empathy from observing the way we handle life.
*Replace defensiveness. “Who do you think you are?” “You don't know what you're talking about!” “It’s not your place to decide!” Yikes. True, maybe. Helpful? Unlikely. Defensiveness causes us to lash out rather than taking criticism or understanding different perspectives. We are behaving like victims under attack. We are drawing the attention away from ourselves and onto the other person, sometimes even attacking them with our words.
What if we replace defensiveness with openness? Rather than rolling up like an armadillo with the issue at the center of our armor, what if we remain open, listen, and even choose silence before selecting our next words? What if there is some truth to the words being thrown at us? Children are incredibly insightful and while they may not have the social graces to say what we'd like to hear, they might be on to something. Listening gives our relationship an opportunity to grow while building their confidence in confronting others. We allow them to share insight with some success.
*Replace stonewalling. The silent treatment. Shutting down. Feeling flooded. Walls have their place in history, but not usually in our daily relationships. Often we add stones to the wall when we want as much distance between ourselves and conflict as possible. This is confusing for adults and even more so for kids. They want to know what to expect and in most cases would like to see the conflict come to an end. Even if they are responsible for the "situation," they are dependent on us and sometimes can be fearful of what a disconnect will look like. The high incidence of divorce in families makes children painfully aware of the possibility that a family may not remain intact.
Space is good, don't get me wrong. Many times, it is the solution to a heated topic that is going in circles. We've used timeouts with each of our kids and while they've hated them to varying degrees, they offered necessary respite. I've even benefited from them because sometimes in my anger and frustration, I need a break too. We're modeling the reality of limited patience and emotional reserves. Time outs can feel like stonewalling if they're unannounced, so be sure let them know it's time for a break and it's time to go to designated places. Our timeout zone is on the stairs, with serious offenses and tantrums landing them in their rooms. Let them know how long they'll be in a time out. You or a timer will "release" them. I like to ask my kids why they were in time out and what they plan on doing differently. As kids get older and the offenses are potentially greater, some issues need to be tabled and brought up at another time. Specific consequences related to the offense might be determined at this time. I'll be honest...I think I will still need a moment when our kids are older and my husband and I need time to discuss the consequences. It's okay if you don't have the answers. In the short term, you can decide what will promote safety, health, and appropriate expectations. It is important to offer solutions in the end because we want our children to know that no topic is off limits and we are seeking openness. The goal is to build a bridge, not a wall.
Replace contempt. Let's talk about this two-headed monster. Contempt is the most dangerous because it involves aggressive, verbal attacks. It includes name calling, shaming, and an overall intent to harm the other person. It is often categorized by disgust. Often it is used to belittle the other person and create a negative experience that will discourage them from making the same mistake again.
How many of us have used disgust to discourage negative behavior? I know I have. To be honest, this was the very first of the horsemen to cross my mind. Sometimes I'm so discouraged by one of my kid's behavior that I feel as though maybe my disapproval will be enough to help them change. No name calling, no verbal attacks. Yelling for sure. But my disgust hanging in the room like a black cloud attempting to choke out the things that don't belong (according to me).
So rather than using disgust to discourage negative behavior, I need to lean in and try to understand what is causing the behavior in the first place. Leaning in requires:
1. Stopping what I’m doing
2. Listening
3. Being patient
4. Showing grace, love, compassion, etc.
It means replacing contempt with connection.
Is the offense upsetting? absolutely. Does it require consequences? I bet it does. Are you human? Well now's not the time to say otherwise. Are you feeling a range of emotions that vary in intensity based on the situation? YES. I'm a big proponent of sharing your feelings honestly and at the appropriate time. Contempt is dangerous because it is a manipulative expression of emotions used to control someone else. When we choose connection instead of contempt, we feel empathy, have a greater understanding of the situation or the details around it, and have shown our investment in the relationship.
The idea is to take steps toward each other in the relationship, not away from each other. We will make mistakes, but it's important not to allow distance to grow between us.
It has taken me all week to write this, so I've made small changes here and there to experiment with the results. We aren't "fixed" and our problems haven't gone away. I think my middle son has tested me the most in the face of my changes. But I'm starting to notice the influence it has had on my oldest. A lot of times, I respond to him freaking out by shutting him down. I spray the proverbial hose on his fire. This week, I tried to remain calm, got down on his level, named some of the feelings I thought he was having, and did my best to validate what it must feel like to be him at that moment. You know, the things I was already supposed to be doing.
It should come as no surprise that he calmed down quicker, expressed his emotions more accurately (sadness rather than a shield of anger), and apologized for his outbursts. He was quick to cuddle and share his "I love you's" that are a little less frequent as he gets older. We connected because it wasn't about what I wanted, but what he needed. Now if only I can remember this, we'll be golden. I want a lifetime of this.
