3 Steps to a Happy Marriage
If you could travel back in time, when would you choose? What moment would you want to relive? What would be your do-over? How would it change your life today?
Mine would be my wedding and honeymoon. I'd like to change it all, please. Knowing what I know now about the people we would become, I could go back and relax, enjoy the moments, and celebrate each one. If I couldn't convince my former self to elope and have a party when we got back (brilliant idea for any of you that aren't married yet), I would at least pare down the guest list and find ways to make it more unique and personal. I would ignore the critics, allow family members to carry the weight of their own problems (without my assistance), and dance until my feet couldn't hold me up anymore. I would hop on that plane to Tahiti, take a thousand more pictures of the bungalow and crystal blue waters, and stop Eva Longoria and Tony Parker to fan girl the heck out of them. I would take longer to wake up and snuggle more, quiet the fears that marriage is terrifying, and let go of the expectations that crippled my joy and contentment.
Thankfully the wedding doesn't make the marriage. We say that a lot now. I can honestly say that after 13 years, I really like my husband. Not all the time. I'm not a maniac. But we've battled through life by each other's side and I can safely say Wade is my best friend. No one makes me laugh harder, puts up with me better, or loves me the way he does.
This hasn't always been the case. Like I said, not a maniac. We have struggled. When our firstborn was under a year, we went to our mentors and told them we thought our marriage was ending. I cried, he yelled, and they sat mostly in silence. They looked really disappointed in us and I interpreted their silence to mean all hope was lost. I'm sure they did offer hope and wisdom and probably remembered feeling something like it when their kids were young. We were just so tired, still very selfish, and grasping at straws to make this life look like what we both wanted it to be. Pretty standard first child stuff. This wasn't our first challenging time and it wouldn't be our last.
After years of me trying to extinguish the fire of conflict with hot air (aka defending myself, explaining my behavior, giving reasons for my part in problems, etc.), it only seemed to make it worse. Our styles of apology didn't line up. My husband felt invalidated and I felt trapped. I still get rattled when we disagree, but I also know it's going to happen and I can't control it. I try to stick with the topic and not let a pile form, which is pretty easy for both of us to do. Sometimes one of us laughs and it cuts the tension. Sometimes only one of us laughs and that does not cut the tension. He's the only person I know that bounces back from confrontation and doesn't let it wreck the relationship. He accepts my humanity.
So that's enough about us. You're here for 3 easy steps to a happy marriage. I get it. I say all of this because I know the toiling that goes into marriage. That's not a word you hear everyday...and I'm not sure I've ever successfully used it in a sentence (until now...boom), but I think it describes the union perfectly. Working hard, tirelessly, incessantly. Goodness, yes. We've tried so many things, read so many lists, exhausted our attempts to redeem a beautiful, glowing marriage. You may even scoff at the idea that something so complex could not be reduced to any 3 things. And to some degree, I would agree. But it's an awfully good start.
3 Steps:
1. Act justly/fairly
2. Love mercy/kindness
3. Walk humbly
These can be found in Micah 6:8. I know some of you are like, "Girl, I'm not reading that Bible" and I hear you. Really, I do! No pressure...be where you are...you do you. But I can't help it if a verse comes to mind, if the words line up and make the most sense to me. The chapter itself only amplifies my certainty that there's some truth here. You've felt that, right? You've read something and the words are stamped into your heart with such emphasis that you find yourself repeating them later.
I thought of this verse and how simply, but fully it stages our love toward one another. When I read the entire chapter, I found that the verses above were all about toiling and trying and failing and suffering and begging for some sort of solution. And the response was sort of like, "Hello? It's all pretty clear and laid out for you. Do these three things."
Life is HARD. No matter what value system you subscribe to...we are all suspeptible to hardships. The only thing we can control is how we respond to them. I have friends that have suffered in their marriages. I have heard stories about the failings and destruction in their lives. My heart has broken for the beautiful dreams that became nightmares for so many. After therapy, 12 step programs, in-patient treatment, incarceration, infidelity, isolation, and countless other offenses and attempts to heal long time wounds, most of those marriages have ended. In their shoes, I understand why someone had to leave. But many of us are in the stages before all of the destructive behavior and damaging habits.
So what do we do?
We can be fair to one another. Choose justice, which means having boundaries, behaving in a way that lines up with our values/morals/social codes. We hold each other accountable because otherwise, we are enabling one another.
We love mercy and kindness. We forgive each other with kindness and love. Not with a ledger in hand and a record of wrongs that require penance. We are compassionate and gracious, even when we have a case against the other person. We do this, not because it is what we're supposed to do...but because we love what it does for our heart and the relationship.
Walk humbly with God. I know. We're not all here. If you're still reading, even though you aren't here...thank you for hanging with it. I will always be for you. Choosing humility over pride will benefit your relationship. Absolutely. The full verse says walk humbly with your God and it has been my experience that allowing this leadership has shaped my heart in a way I can't do on my own. Humility requires submission, but not in a scary bondage sort of way. We submit to leadership, to guidance, to mentorship. Almost like a parent. We don't shrink away from the idea that children should submit to their parents, so it's easy to grasp (through that lens) what healthy submission can look like. So walking humbly with God tells me that my part is to let go of pride and His part is to hold me accountable to the best thing for my relationship with Him...and him. God and Wade. :) His best has always been better than my plans. So I've grown to prefer the humility that involves walking with him, rather than mustering up the sense to be humble and blindly find where that will go.
So there you have it. Three simple, but complex and difficult steps. It's a process. I can almost guarantee that the steps taken to implement these practices into any of your relationships will have a positive outcome. What will it hurt to try?
