Stuck
She stepped out onto the cold grass, the frosted blades crunching underfoot. She could see the fence. The weathered boards were discolored and cracked with the imprints of old nails and tree knots. Rusty hinges held the gate firmly in place and for a moment she wondered if the door would open after all this time.
The girl was able to make out the shape of trees swaying in the breeze, but otherwise had no idea what she would encounter upon crossing the fence. The thought made her chuckle. “Crossing the fence,” as if after all of this time it had become her warden or some malicious captor. Unfortunately there was some truth to it.
As her foot fell across a branch and snapped, loudy echoing in the darkness. She waited. Was that a sigh? A growl? Was she imaginging things? Her heart pounded in opposition as she began to move again. “Do not fear” she breathed out in a whisper. She reached out shakily as the gate latch was within reach. It squeaked as she lifted it. Leaves began rustling on the other side and her heart nearly lept out of her chest. She thought it might be the wind until hot breath filled the air and dissipated quickly, like a ghost. She closed her eyes, braced herself, and opened the gate.
How often do we face the unknown? Have you been immobilized by fear because you don’t know what will be waiting for you on the other side of the diagnosis, massive life change, unexpected challenge, or broken relationship? What about the changes you are choosing to implement on purpose? You feel stuck.
This is the part where I tell you to hustle, not give up on your dreams, and keep pushing forward. Sure. We could do that. But could we please talk about what the people around us are doing? I love a good transformation, complete with before and after pictures and a heartfelt testimonial. But if we pan out and see what’s going on beyond the photo…what will we see? Have we made any sacrifices or compromises to make the necessary changes? Has conflict bubbled to the surface as a result? How are our people taking it? Show me the piles of laundry, unwashed dishes, and family members adjusting to the change in balance.
There are a number of support systems in place when an unexpected challenge upsets the system. You’re not likely to find a support group for people that have made positive modifications in their lives. You did it. You are doing it. What more do you need? We don’t expect the ripple effect that our choices will cause in the people around us. Conflict is stirred from deep within and washes out on the shore. There’s no ignoring it. You stirred it up and now you have to deal with it. Our choice to adjust will often result in a number of responses from our loved ones.
One of the most common responses is homeostasis, which is simply resisting change. The family will struggle to maintain the current methods, even if they include unhealthy communication, inappropriate relationships, disciplinary weaknesses, or abuse (substance, physical, emotional, etc.). It is maddening. It is most confusing when one person is advancing and other family members appear to fall backward, retreating to their comfort zones. The attempt to improve oneself appears to cause others to regress and that can derail motivation and progress. No one wants to be the cause of the people around them “suffering.”
I’m going to call this what it is so please don’t throw anything at me. Or the screen. It is enabling. If we allow necessary and healthy developments to be limited or brought to a hault by others’ protests, we are enabling that behavior to continue in future events. We are creating a pattern that will require greater effort to change later. It is possible, don’t get me wrong. Imagine learning a dance with specific choreography that you practice for months in advance. A week before the recital, the instructor recommends a change. It is possible to learn the new steps, but you have cognitive and muscle memory that are pretty attached to the original moves. You will need to concentrate that much harder during the recital, which is especially challenging because you now have stage fright, your parents are watching, your grandparents drove in from Timbuktu, and your best friend’s sibling (who happens to be adorable and one of your favorite people to talk to) is watching.
This looks like a rabbit trail, but I promise it’s not. Life is not just one thing. It is not this one change and that one attempt to resist change. It is a combination of our expectations, others’ expectations for us, and our actual ability. That doesn’t make it impossible. Our motivation to improve some portion of our lives is admirable, but no better than good intentions if we don’t act on it.
I often feel this tension in my life when we are moving from one season to another or I am adding something new. I like to keep busy because I’ve been bored before and as it turns out, it’s not for me. I’m also unwilling to abandon projects or skills when a new one comes along. I’m ride or die. That’s why I do my best to find ways to make it work for all of us so that it doesn’t become a burden or distract me from what really matters to me. I am stubborn, but I also believe it is unreasonable to believe that I don’t fit into my own life.
Are you facing some resistance in your life? What are some of the barriers before you? What do you fear on the other side? Let’s approach these things as we would the fence.
What works:
No sudden movements. It’s wonderful that you’re establishing a goal and working toward it. Make small changes to avoid overwhelming yourself or others. Make small goals that are manageable. Be clear about what you need to do and prioritize your time to avoid burnout.
(*If health or safety are a factor, take whatever steps are recommended by your providers)
Explore motives. What is driving you to make this change? What brought this adjustment to your attention? Are you trying to be like someone else? Are you doing it for others’ approval? Who will benefit if you follow through on this? Who might experience sacrifices? What do you hope to gain?
Create boundaries. Establish what you will or will not sacrifice in order to progress. This might require you to adjust your expectations, but you will have a clear picture of what you are capable of and what you are realistically working toward.
Look for the positive. The world around you is most likely shifting because you have changed. The world around you most likely did not choose this. Applaud and encourage adaptability and accommodation when you see them! They are the unicorns at the end of the rainbow, friend! Or pot of gold if you’re basic. Just kidding. It can be both.
Don’t forget where you came from. Look. It’s great that this is working for you and you should be proud of yourself. Just try not to forget 3 months ago when you were lamenting the changes you needed to make and didn’t know if you had it in you. Don’t forget the sacrifices you made. Don’t look for the trophy. Be present in the experience, pull others up around you, and take notes to face the next challenge with greater confidence.
Make the right sacrifices. I’ve said this before, but be conscientious about the sacrifices you are making. If relationships that are important to you are suffering as a result of your new focus, take a look at what is filling your time. For me, writing is more important to me than watching TV. I’ll watch a couple shows with my husband because that’s what we enjoy, but my free time is limited. I need to spend it carefully.
Remember the Titanic. I’m aware that at no point would you face an iceberg when approaching a fence. Got it. But let’s jump on the bandwagon and overuse this analogy anyways. Be patient with the people around you. What you see above the surface doesn’t tell you what is going on underneath. You’re using the wrong equipment if you evaluate what others are saying or doing through your perception, not theirs. There might be movement and change occurring deep in their heart, where you can’t see it. Pray for the people around you and be gentle with them if they adjust slowly to this new aspect of you. Oh and you’re gonna need a bigger boat. Or life boats. Plan on having more life boats. Just in case.
Fear is a liar. This is my favorite part. I know we may differ on whether we were created or we erupted out of thin air in a massive explosion or perhaps you’re holding onto the caveman/monkey guy theory. Let’s agree on this. Our purpose is not to be driven away by fear. Our tagline is not written in cowardice. Fear will tell you that a wolf is on the other side when it is actually a fearful doe. Face fear with truth. Consider past successes, imagine yourself conquering the worst case scenario, let go of what you can’t control, and don’t allow fear to take root and choke you out. If you love God, pray to Him. Memorize Bible verses that will easily come to mind when you feel overwhelmed. Hold lies and negative thoughts captive and dismiss them. Second Timothy 1:7 says “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” That fear inside of you is not from Him. There is a need for fearful respect of Him, but let’s save that for another story. I believe He wants us to turn to Him and trust Him when we’re afraid, but I do not believe that He places that fear inside of us. He is the God of peace, restoration, faith, courage, strength. Not manipulation, fear, shame, guilt.
Resistance is normal (not futile). It’s a necessary function in a system. We build muscle mass through strength and resistance training. That pressure forces us to grow stronger or give up. We never move beyond the strength we have if we never push ourselves to go further. Thomas Jefferson said, “If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.”
Resistance can also be an indicator that we’ve gone too far. We may need to slow dow or adjust the changes we’re making to protect the “system.” Just like a strained muscle or torn ligament, we can go too far. We have our limits. When we ask ourselves the above questions about what works, we might find that other parts of our lives are being stretched beyond their limits. However, we are causing ourselves more work if our health, relationships, work, or personal interests suffer as a result of our new focus. Going too hard too fast may require rehabilitation later, ultimately slowing us down.
If you’re feeling stuck, make one small change. Take one small step. Move toward your goal carefully and with confidence. Be considerate of those around you. Keep going, even when it’s hard. How else will you find out what’s on the other side of the fence?
